I have no other motivation of penning my thoughts down about
love, apart from the fact that someone close to me told me that I can actually
write a book on it J
As a kid I have grown up in the era of “Yash Raj Chopra” and
had started believing in this fairy tale that someone loves you, you love him
and then there is a perfect ending. Now I wonder why none of those stories ever
mentioned about heart breaks, disloyalty and disrespect in love.
Few months back when I heard from him that I really don’t
know what love is, and you deserve someone far better then me, I did have tears
in my eyes. But all I could do is hug him, tell him it is over and this is the
best birthday gift I could ever give to me. And then began my story of
exploring myself and experiencing what love truly is.
We started dating long back, 6 years to be precise, when he
held my hands in between the group of students at Career Launchers and asked me
when I would meet him next. Like any girl, I was flattered by this importance and
his killer smile, which now i term as kamini smile. We met, we spoke and I fell
in love, I cannot use the word “we” here as I am now sure he never did.
Suddenly the girl in me who wanted to do something in life, who had high aims,
took a back seat and a domesticated and docile one overtook. Decision, choices and
even friends that I made were either influenced by him or his liking. Like a
typical Indian housewife, I learnt his routine and everything that would make
him happy.
Six years were not that easy and I am sure all my friends
would agree if I say I was too blind in love. I overlooked all his mistakes,
all his gallis, all his dominance and that just became what I never was. I lost
my confidence, I lost my voice, my inner voice and it was then that life became
a mess.
It was last September, when I was not able to go for his
birthday, that I had this dream that someone loved me and wants to be with we
forever not at all bothered of what my past was. Frankly, I wanted to end this
relationship two years back but something stopped me. I never shifted to Pune,
maybe I was sure that things would not work between us ever. I feared of being completely
dependent of him coz his hands never held me when I needed him the most. He was
actually never there for me, was too engrossed in his own life and can be other
girls too. But this dream changed something in me. It gave me a hope that no
matter how bad things can be without him, it would always be better than being
with him. So a month after, on my birthday, I freed myself of this burden
called one sided love.
Things were not easy post that, I cried every day, I wanted
to talk to someone, but whom? I had lost my friends, I had lied to my parents
and I had disrespected myself. But then I started opening up to new people
around me. It had been just one month that I had joined Adfactors and this
happened. But somewhere my own strength inspired others around me and they too in
turn just provided me all their ears and motivation.
I left Mumbai just to spend as time as I can with the people
I had neglected the most during my relation “My Parents”. Irony was I could not
hug them and cry, tell them that I am broken and how much I was sorry for breaking
their trust. But as usual I resorted to this method of spreading happiness so
that I could be happy and so would my parents by seeing me happy. I opened up;
I took a long break, met people, and met relatives. Gave them my ears, gave
them my time, understood them, motivated them and then suddenly life became
beautiful. I figured myself out. I started taking risk and voicing out my
beliefs. I got me back. I got my dreams back. So today I write this blog
sitting at my home in Mumbai, with only my dreams and a vision to make them a
reality.
Coming back to love, yes I still love him and would always
cherish the moment we spent together but no way I want go back to him again. I
have not lost my faith in love coz I know that I just loved a wrong person and
that doesn’t stop me from risking again and falling for the right one. Yes, now
I would not lose myself in love coz I believe that “True love never lets you
down, it nourishes you”. My love for him was true and that is why today I could
confidently face him and tell him I am happy and just want to see you happy
always.
I see those eyes that miss being cared and loved but those
lips could not utter a single word. But this is life. You have made me very
strong and I appreciate that.
