That thing called “Love”

I have no other motivation of penning my thoughts down about love, apart from the fact that someone close to me told me that I can actually write a book on it J

As a kid I have grown up in the era of “Yash Raj Chopra” and had started believing in this fairy tale that someone loves you, you love him and then there is a perfect ending. Now I wonder why none of those stories ever mentioned about heart breaks, disloyalty and disrespect in love.

Few months back when I heard from him that I really don’t know what love is, and you deserve someone far better then me, I did have tears in my eyes. But all I could do is hug him, tell him it is over and this is the best birthday gift I could ever give to me. And then began my story of exploring myself and experiencing what love truly is.

We started dating long back, 6 years to be precise, when he held my hands in between the group of students at Career Launchers and asked me when I would meet him next. Like any girl, I was flattered by this importance and his killer smile, which now i term as kamini smile. We met, we spoke and I fell in love, I cannot use the word “we” here as I am now sure he never did. Suddenly the girl in me who wanted to do something in life, who had high aims, took a back seat and a domesticated and docile one overtook. Decision, choices and even friends that I made were either influenced by him or his liking. Like a typical Indian housewife, I learnt his routine and everything that would make him happy.

Six years were not that easy and I am sure all my friends would agree if I say I was too blind in love. I overlooked all his mistakes, all his gallis, all his dominance and that just became what I never was. I lost my confidence, I lost my voice, my inner voice and it was then that life became a mess.

It was last September, when I was not able to go for his birthday, that I had this dream that someone loved me and wants to be with we forever not at all bothered of what my past was. Frankly, I wanted to end this relationship two years back but something stopped me. I never shifted to Pune, maybe I was sure that things would not work between us ever. I feared of being completely dependent of him coz his hands never held me when I needed him the most. He was actually never there for me, was too engrossed in his own life and can be other girls too. But this dream changed something in me. It gave me a hope that no matter how bad things can be without him, it would always be better than being with him. So a month after, on my birthday, I freed myself of this burden called one sided love.

Things were not easy post that, I cried every day, I wanted to talk to someone, but whom? I had lost my friends, I had lied to my parents and I had disrespected myself. But then I started opening up to new people around me. It had been just one month that I had joined Adfactors and this happened. But somewhere my own strength inspired others around me and they too in turn just provided me all their ears and motivation.

I left Mumbai just to spend as time as I can with the people I had neglected the most during my relation “My Parents”. Irony was I could not hug them and cry, tell them that I am broken and how much I was sorry for breaking their trust. But as usual I resorted to this method of spreading happiness so that I could be happy and so would my parents by seeing me happy. I opened up; I took a long break, met people, and met relatives. Gave them my ears, gave them my time, understood them, motivated them and then suddenly life became beautiful. I figured myself out. I started taking risk and voicing out my beliefs. I got me back. I got my dreams back. So today I write this blog sitting at my home in Mumbai, with only my dreams and a vision to make them a reality.

Coming back to love, yes I still love him and would always cherish the moment we spent together but no way I want go back to him again. I have not lost my faith in love coz I know that I just loved a wrong person and that doesn’t stop me from risking again and falling for the right one. Yes, now I would not lose myself in love coz I believe that “True love never lets you down, it nourishes you”. My love for him was true and that is why today I could confidently face him and tell him I am happy and just want to see you happy always.

I see those eyes that miss being cared and loved but those lips could not utter a single word. But this is life. You have made me very strong and I appreciate that.

Mumbai Meri Jaan

Two weeks back I had planned a random shopping visit to Mumbai from Surat with my cousin. I got down from the train at Mumbai Central. While was walking out of the station dragging my luggage, Taxi drivers came in a herd and started asking "Kahna jana hai madam". I stood there and looked at the signage in front of the queue; it read pre-paid taxi. So without a word I looked at my cousin and started walking towards the main road and the taxi drivers kept following.

Tired of pulling the luggage and the voices around me, I stopped again and said "Bhaiya Shivaji Park jana hai, Dadar West par meter se." As expected, most if the taxi drivers just walked off but the remaining few kept pestering me saying, "Madam 350 de dena, saaman bhi hai." I stuck to my decision and started walking when of the taxi driver agreed but I had to pay him 20 rupees extra for luggage, which was fine. So here I was in Mumbai.

When I completed my MBA and started working here, with hardly any salary to survive in the city, I was naive. I never bargained or argued on anything. I thoughtlessly paid money. Indeed people would always smile at me after every transaction thinking kya ullu banaya.

Today I smile at that me. Living or Surviving in Mumbai, though was difficult initially, had made me strong and had given me my voice to ask for what is right. People say Mumbai mein jo reh gaya who kahin bhi adjust ho jata hai, true in a way. Mumbai, more than a city of dream, has been my teacher...My teacher for Life. So despite of me leaving the city, I keep on visiting there and now I am actually reconsidering my decision. May be this is my way of expressing my gratitude to what the city has made me today.... "Mumbai meri jaan"

That one big decision

Wonder how many of us are so used to earning a decent salary that we usually forget what we really want to do. I was one of them a month ago. Away from my home, alone in Mumbai with a few good friends around, my life was moving on. I was so busy with my job routine that I actually forgot to even notice if I was living and enjoying my life or just surviving for the heck of my salary.
And then came this day, where out of the blue, I decided to quit. Yes, initially I was scared. I never had to work, like out of compulsion to support my family. I did it just because I loved working, out of my passion to learn and not sit at home. But 4 years of work and slogging made me a slave. My passion was long lost and everything I did professionally as well as personally confronted me with one question "Why am I doing this to me?"
I tried a lot to make things work. I started freelance writing, I learnt basic of nail art, I also decided to pursue my MA through distant learning. But none of this made sense until I finally left Mumbai and came home.
One and half month, and I am still figuring out what to do and I do not regret my decision because this no salary phase actually makes me desperate to start something of my own soon, a long lost dream of mine. All of sudden I feel burden free, I feel like I have overcome my fear, a fear of underperformance, a fear of losing my job.
I am happy that this one big decision will finally help me figure out and pursue what I love.

The Taxi Ride

I had to go to LIC at Fort today morning, to pay my LIC premium which was due for 3 months. I received my documents in mid Nov and my first premium was due for October; but unfortunately my account having insufficient balance at that time, I had to go to the branch and deposit the premium now. 

A night before, I did all the permutation and combination of reaching LIC before 12.30 pm and also enjoying the Mc Muffin at McDonalds (before 11am). I had finally zeroed down on taking a train to VT from Dadar. But the other side of me, the lazy me as I term it, suddenly woke up while I was crossing the lane in the morning. She dint even give time for me to argue and then I just remember me in a brand new Santro taxi heading towards Fort.

To my surprise, the taxi guy asked which way would I prefer to take and I guided him. For another 10 minutes I was busy deciding the song I wanted to listen. My song selection in morning always helps me understand my mood for d day and for quite some time I m happy that I select peppy songs. A secret revealed, when I feel low and lonely there is one devotional song (bhajan) I listen repeatedly.

Coming back to my taxi drive, today being a Saturday, the usually crowded Tulsi Pipe road was wide empty. It seemed my Taxi driver was enjoying the freedom of driving in full speed as i noticed the buildings and shops around passing without me being able to notice it. I crossed the lower parel flyover and had reached Palladium when a truck came beside our cab from under the flyover. I noticed the taxi and the truck driver increased their speed simultaneously and suddenly removed my headset to contemplate what is happening. Both the vehicles wanted to lead the way, both drivers stubborn not to let other go. For a few seconds it seemed both the drivers were racing and then i noticed that the truck was approaching a car ahead. Instead of speeding down, the truck driver tried to enter our lane, the lane in which my taxi was driving. Seeing ths my taxi driver increased the speed and blowing the horn and...zoom we went ahead of the Truck and the other car.

Frankly I should have been screaming on the taxi driver for this fraction of breath taking experience, but rather felt proud of taxi driver, and indeed he noticed the smile on my face as well. The taxi driver did not only risk his but my life as well, and I may seem stupid that I was smiling and not seeing red on the him, but somewhere deep i knew where that smile from. Somewhere within i knew that if I was driving and this incident would have happened, I would have done the same thing what taxi driver did. I would have not let any other vehicle overtake me. Call it rash driving, or craziness or the determination to win in whatever u do. Frankly I felt smug :P

The “YO” Dadi

After an amazing vacation at home, a fun filled Navratri, I was back to Mumbai yesterday. Back to the mundane life of work. To relax myself after the trip, i thought of going for a hair message and hair spa today at O’Hair.

O’hair has always been my favourite salon, reasonable in cost with great service. Well the salon as usual was crowded with all the modern gujjus of Matunga central; thank god i had taken an appointment. After 2 mins of waiting, my attendant Rewaz took me to my seat.

While having my oil message a gujju lady, i guess in her 50’s, sat at a place adjacent to me. The lady came to the salon for hair trim. What caught my attention to her was her huge diamond nose stud glittering in the brightly lit salon. And yes, how did i know she is gujju, her gujju saree, typical type of jewellery that she adorn and while i was guessing it she spoke in Guajarati to someone sitting nearby, a mystery person, as i was unable to see him/ her.

My tendency to avoid gujjus made me concentrate on my head message again, I closed my eyes went back to the do not disturb, i am relaxing mode. Well this mode is when i avoid people, noises and my thoughts to disturb me, all i do is just stop and detach myself from the world around. After around 10 mins in this mode, i felt something vibrating on my head and opened my eyes. While Rewaz continued my head and back message, I happened to notice the lady again. Her trim was done and the attendant now was blow drying her hair. Now the lady saw me noticing her and gave a smile. I reverted back. To avoid the awkwardness of noticing the lady again and again, not because i liked her but coz of her nose ring, i saw myself in the mirror then my attendant then the people sitting behind when finally i got a ping on watsapp and thankfully sometime passed by.

I dint realize that the lady was not looking at me when i was done with my chit chat. Then i heard her saying “mane bhi aa karavu che” to the mystery person. A teenage girl in a funky pink t-shirt and denim shorts peeked to see me. She smiled and said “hair message pacchi kyarek karavsu, tamari haircut and setting thai gai dadi”.

We say generation gap, but i have often noticed this that many grandparents that they change and adapt to the modern lifestyle and thinking because of their bonding with their grandchildren. It seems when the grandparents retire and become friends with grandchildren, they adapt to this “Yo” generation, transforming into the “Yo” dada’s and dadi’s.

While i thought about this, the voice of the teen age girl “YO Dadi”, i looked at them, the girl was showing something to her dadi on her cell and i realized she had said “JO Dadi”.

Flying Visit @ Home for Diwali

When it started???

A month and a half back i got to know we have just two days holiday for Diwali, I thought it makes no sense going home as the distance is far off. Surat, where my relatives reside, was a best option to celebrate Diwali, i thought. Then I was least bothered to book my tickets in the helm of my work and the days passed by. I was just 10 days for Diwali when i thought i should book my tickets and found no luck for Surat. I happened to see the pictures of last Diwali on the laptop, and experienced a sudden pang. It was a bad feeling, may be a feeling of nostalgia and out of the blue i urged to go home for Diwali. I thought i would give a surprise to my family. I checked for flight tickets and the rates were exorbitant. But my urge to go home increased and i realized my eyes were betting tears.

After some time, thinking what to do, i dialled my brothers. I told them about my surprise, now for my Mom, Dad and my cousin sis Rakhi. Putting the ball on their court, i asked them to check for tickets with the agent. Luckily, in two days i got a sleeper ticket for Nagpur in Vidarbh Express.

The trauma of NO HOLIDAY

Diwali was on 26^th, Wednesday while we had holidays on 26^th and 27^th i.e. Wednesday and Thursday. While arranging for my tickets, I also was talking to my senior colleague in the office for a chutti on Friday so that i can have a prolonged visit. She tried explaining it to my Boss, but all seemed to end up in vein. I have to take a week off for a family function in December, so even i did not insist much for a holiday. Finally, when my colleague told me about no holiday for Friday, i decided to cancel my ticket. When i took my cell to dial my brothers, i got a call from Aakanksha, my friend from Nagpur and my roommate in Mumbai. She wanted to visit Nagpur as well for Diwali and asked me if she could join me. I told her she can take my tickets as i was not going at least not for 2 days. It was then that she told me that she also plans to go for 2 days and flight tickets are available for Friday morning at reasonable cost. Finally, a yes came from within me automatically and our entire trip gt fixed.

The Train....The Nightmare

I left the office at 6.30 in the evening for Dadar station to catch my train and Aakanksha was already at CST, probably boarded the train as well. We had decided for as minimum luggage as we can, as we just had one ticket and expected the train to be crowded. I waited for the train for almost 40 mins, arranged for our food as well. The train arrived on time and all of sudden i saw hundreds of people wanting to board it from the same door in the same boogie. Thanks to Mumbai local journey, that i was used to this chaos, and indeed i was able to board the train safely pushing and pulling others :P.

We had an Upper seat, Aakanksha called me when she saw me looking for my berth. Until then our lower was full with more than required number of people and i thought it is a good idea to climb up. The boogie was full of people and i wondered if they all will be travelling long distance. But most of them got down at Kalyan and herds and herds boarded as well. Now i had started feeling sick of the crowd and the murmurs and everything around me. I wished the TT to come and throw these unwanted people out. Moreover, i also wanted to get down as i badly wanted to visit the loo. I can’t get down, people around the gate didn’t want to move, I could see the crowd settled near both the doors, pushing and pulling and shouting and arguing. It was 4 hours now, and i asked a fellow passenger about the TT. He was confident enough to inform us that the TT won’t come, and i was cursing him within, both the passenger for this bad news and the TT for not coming. But he told us that the crowd might get down at Nasik and we can get down and come back fast, as more people would board. It was a unanimous decision of the people around to lock the doors once people get down at Nasik, reason being the general boogie was full and ours was a boogie just adjacent to general.

As decided, we followed the crowd when they were getting down from the train at Nasik. We reached the door and to our surprise around 20 people had arranged themselves well around the area just leaving some space near the entrance door. Damn there was no space even to approach the loo and those were asking us to move back. Moreover, people on the station, who wanted to board the train, started banging and pushing the door badly, and they succeed to push it open. Now we were stuck between the people sitting down, others wanting to come in. Both side pushing us and we screaming at the top of our voice. Thanks to that guy, seemed like a bouncer, who helped us by pushing people aside and making way for us in. As we reached our berth, we climbed up, arranged our luggage somehow and went to sleep. Morning i woke up at 7.30 but laid until the train reached Ajni, a station before Nagpur. We then got down and took our bags while the train reached Nagpur.

HOME Sweet HOME

I reached home by around 9.15 am. Dad was not at home, I had told my mom already about my surprise visit, as she had informed everyone at Surat that i will be coming there for Diwali, just to avoid problems later. I tiptoed round my house till the back gate and entered the room. My brothers locked it from inside, and we sat there waiting for my dad, no one in the house knew i was in. Mom guessed it when she saw my bro, and came to see me. We hugged each other and i could sense her happiness. She went out and started sending all my favourite things to eat.

My brothers called my cousin Rakhi, i hid behind the cupboard, she entered the room and as she turned, I stood there. Thank God, she didn’t shout. We also called Cahru, our close friend, Meet, my cousin, and were having good time. In between, i called my dad and informed him that i m in Mumbai only as i didn’t get tickets for Surat. I got a good scolding though :P.

My dad came home at 11. He went to kitchen and was talking to mom about me not going to Surat, when i entered the kitchen from his back and sat next to him. The moment is hard to express. I hugged my dad and the next moment, He, my mom, my brother and Rakhi started crying. I had bought an Idol of Goddess Durga in silver for papa and Payal for my mom as a gift for their 25^th Anniversary. I gave it to them and met other people from the family.

The entire day went on meeting people, and preparing for Diwali Puja. Same was the next day when i visited the market and met many know people. Many of them i seemed to have forgotten. I was wondering was fast my life runs. Tomorrow, i have my flight back to Mumbai and by 11.30 will be at work. It seems i have put on my runners and m running all day trying to manage my time in the best possible way. Life has indeed changed drastically. And I as a person have changed as well. Gone are those days of preparing and shopping for festivals, today i have to find time to enjoy them. Festivals are now merely an excuse to find sometime for my family and myself. To stop running for a day or two and just to relax.

The next morning i boarded my flight and was back to Mumbai, back to work, back to running. Today as i write this experience, it seems like those two days were just hallucination or just a beautiful dream. J

The Train Friend

It has been 3 years, away from home, exploring a completely different world. The journey towards my aspiration, indeed, has been through thick and thin but surviving all the odds i still fight for my existence.

I recently got a new job, met new people, and met new challenges. Moreover, left the place i was staying at, with a roommate, for last 8 months. In short, life had changed completely and i was happy. I had to shift to my didi’s place temporarily till i secure a good place to stay. Mornings started early and nights began late and it took an hour of local train travelling from Dombivili, where my didi stays, to Dadar, where i work, both are the most crowded places for local travelling. Indeed life was HELL. No sleep, no proper food, new people, lots of workload, to describe it well. But i was enjoying it. Every day i used to catch 8.36 am ka Dombivili local.

The frequent journeys made me acquainted to a didi. She too stayed at Dombivili and worked at Dadar and was new to this crowd, though she was from Mumbai, as she got married three months back and was staying in western line before. The first day i saw her, she was sitting at a fourth seat and so was i, both struggling to remain on the seat. I asked for a safety pin and there started are talks, and it went all till we got acquainted to each other’s routine and family as well.

The next day had to catch the local at 7 am as i was handling the PR of a trade show at goregoan. It was a three day event and we didn’t meet. The forth day when i boarded the same 8.36 ka local, i rushed to secure a window seat. I sat there as a smug, as if achieved something great. While ogling at the mass of ladies struggling to board the train, i glanced at the lady next to me. To my surprise, rather our surprise, it was she. I can’t describe the feeling. It was as if i saw one of my close relative after a long time, when it was just our second meet.

Before i uttered a word, she asked me, “Aare! bahut dino baat dikhe. Mujhe laga aapko naya ghar mil gaya hoga.” Then i stared bitching about my event, and one after other switching various topics, we went on talking.

The next day went on as usual; we met at the station, boarded the train but secured only one seat. I sat till Thane and then offered her to sit till she got her pre-booked seat at Ghatkopar. Strange though but now we had become train friends J

It was now a week since we met, we exchanged numbers too. I reached the station and was looking for her around. She was not there, even when i boarded the train. Damn, i was feeling so lonely. There were many known faces around, but my eyes waited for her. She had told me about her visit with her family to a temple near Mumbai, has she not returned. Well it was actually not my concern why she had not come, but i was sad. I called her, she didn’t answer. Was she all right? I went to the extent of thinking that her in-laws must have objected her work. God knows what the reason was but i kept on contemplating for the entire day.

The next day, finally she was there. The first question i uttered was “kahan the aap kal? I missed you? Seat bhi nahi mili.

I will be leaving Dombivili soon, but whenever would visit or pass by i will remember her, our chit chat and our experiences.

The only thing i could give her is these four lines which i conceived in her absence in the train

“Life’s journey is indeed like a local train journey,

A few people board the train with you, a few join in between.

Many leave at their respective destination while there are very few who are there till the end.

The journey has many experiences, some good, and some bad.

We meet many people; some make a difference while some are indifferent.”

I never thought that staying away from my family would make me so lonely that even a stranger would become a dear one, and that this small life span we shared together will bring tears in my eyes whenever I’ll think about it.